reflections on my sweet life

Tomorrow we leave Hawaii. It'll be a day of packing and saying good-byes and resting for our red eye flight. Today was a day of enjoying, of embracing, and of realizing things. We went to the beach in the morning and as always we were pretty much the only ones there. It's fun to play at the beach with a 2 year old and have yourself surrounded by beauty everywhere you look. In the afternoon Enzo and I had a mommy and baby pig out date at Ted's bakery. Hawaii has a special way of making you feel spoiled.

When I lived in Hawaii I often felt like my life was bitter sweet. I was living in paradise and yet I found myself in a constant funk. It was hard enjoying my newborn that never slept. It was hard staying home in our hot poor ventilated house. But the hardest thing about it was the guilty feeling I had of being unhappy when I knew quite well that I had very little to complain about.

One year later I return to Hawaii to vacation and I realize that I have changed and circumstances have changed and I feel like things could not possibly get any sweeter.

One year ago I dreaded staying home all day with my son. This time around I was able to enjoy him so much. My brother in law says that it's all about not having any expectations and I think he's right in some ways. I came to Hawaii knowing that I would be solo parenting for 3 weeks and that I would have to do all the feedings, diaper changes, baths and bedtimes. My days were filled with no agenda and I was able to just enjoy watching "Bugs Life" and "Dumbo" almost on a daily basis, go to the beach whenever we wanted to, and sweat in the shadeless park with my friends. Due to my amazing mother-in-law, next door neighbors, and house mates I was also able to go out to dinner a handful of times, to the movies, to friends houses and even to the beach by myself where I just vegged and read for a couple of hours. All this while Enzo stayed home playing with cousins, Grammy, Aunties and Uncles and didn't even care for a second that I was gone.

I knew coming to Hawaii was going to be a good idea. I knew I would get help watching Enzo and I knew that it would renew my energies to see close friends and family. However, I was not expecting it to be this sweet.

Yesterday as I walked at night to a friend's house I was completely enveloped by moonlight and the ocean breeze and you know what? It felt so good, and warm, and simple. I have a tendency to keep my life away from simplicity. I keep my days filled with school, blogging, taking Enzo to music classes, to the park, to playgroups. I not only fill up my days but I tend to fill up his days too. Thank goodness he gets to spend half off his time with his dad who tones the social scene down and enjoys just hanging out solo with Enzo in some hike, or river, or beach.

Hawaii was perfect because Enzo and I were able to spend a lot of time together without many distractions. Well, I take that back. We had distractions but fortunately for us they were all really delicious.